Hi!
Firstly can I say what a super piece of writing. I have a few tips but I really was impressed by what you have produced.
Your opener ‘the harsh wind washed against my face’ – is full of drama and already sets the scene for a not-so ordinary day. This is continued into the second sentence with your brain being ‘commanded’. You later use your descriptive talents by saying ‘a prickle of fear’ and ‘trembling with nervousness’ and again these phrases are extremely powerful and placed me as the reader into the middle of the story looking out through the eyes of the narrator.
There were a couple of occasions where I think you might have chosen a different way of phrasing to keep the tension.
Rather than writing ‘So I took a quick glance’ perhaps writing ‘Taking a quick glance…’ This makes the experience more immediate and less of a re-count (less exciting). I also felt that the three statues description was very informative rather than descriptive and this broke the air of mystery. Of course you only had 100 words to say it in!
My advice is always read your writing aloud and listen to how it sounds and feels back. I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Hi!
Firstly can I say what a super piece of writing. I have a few tips but I really was impressed by what you have produced.
Your opener ‘the harsh wind washed against my face’ – is full of drama and already sets the scene for a not-so ordinary day. This is continued into the second sentence with your brain being ‘commanded’. You later use your descriptive talents by saying ‘a prickle of fear’ and ‘trembling with nervousness’ and again these phrases are extremely powerful and placed me as the reader into the middle of the story looking out through the eyes of the narrator.
There were a couple of occasions where I think you might have chosen a different way of phrasing to keep the tension.
Rather than writing ‘So I took a quick glance’ perhaps writing ‘Taking a quick glance…’ This makes the experience more immediate and less of a re-count (less exciting). I also felt that the three statues description was very informative rather than descriptive and this broke the air of mystery. Of course you only had 100 words to say it in!
My advice is always read your writing aloud and listen to how it sounds and feels back. I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Debbie Team100, Bristol, England
Thank you very much for the amazing comment. I will try to use your tips in my next piece of writing
I liked that you used good fronted adverbials and that you left with a cliff hanger. I cant find improvements
I liked the phrase” harsh breeze washed against my face”
I love the suspense!